Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Aw Nuts

Dang. Well, for about six months there I was having an easy breezy time with the wait. It was quite odd for this anxious old bird to feel so calm. I think reaching the finish line of the paperwork race left me with a nice runner's high that I was able to coast on for a blissfully long time. But that apparently is all over and done with now. I'm a wreck. I don't know what triggered it, but I am just a HOT MESS.

The wait times keep shifting on us, as is to be expected with international adoption. The health of the referral coming our way is unpredictable, as is expected with international adoption. With every passing day, I cringe as we nudge closer to the rainy season. I'm beating back nauseating waves of gloom and doom that the program will implode in on itself, submerged under bureaucratic nerves and inflated demand. I am so scared this will not work out in the end. I'm going to my book club tonight, which I love, and dreading the cheery, wide-eyed, innocent questions of whether we've gotten our referral yet and then what happens after that anyways, hop on a plane, no?, court date blah blah blah, wait time blah blah blah, glazed eyes blah blah blah. No referral this month, but any day now I'll chirp. Any! Day! Now!

I'm making myself sick with this dour post. Buck up, Mama Dog! One foot in front of the other now...

My best friend, the Pup's Godmother, was living with us for two months until recently. I'm now of the firm belief that every waiting adoptive mom should have their best friend swoop into town for a good chunk of the waiting time. Your best friend will make you laugh until you throw up (true story!) and she'll peel you grapefruits and she'll do spot-on impressions of the ladies on The Bachelor and she'll blow dry your hair all pretty and she'll make you pies. She won't make you feel dumb at all if you have to practically be shoved into a Baby Gap then only to tear up over a little white shirt dotted with cherries. She'll understand that after you spend $67 on the dearest clothes imaginable you'll immediately start worrying that you've singlehandedly jinxed your whole adoption. She won't wince if you then start indulging in some gallows humor about how if the adoption does fall through maybe you could give away some of these new outfits at friends' future baby showers with stone-faced proclamations that this little denim jumper was hand-dipped in a vat of tears and bitterness and these little corduroy pants have our infertility diagnosis tucked in the front pocket so go on now and enjoy. Your best friend will join in on such morbid humor and before you know it you'll be laughing again. Best friends are the best when you are at your worst.

And I seem to be grinding down to my worst. Pretty, pretty please let this all work out. Baby, you get here when you need to but just so you know, we're ready to meet you. Your Godmother wants to shower you with laughter and pies. Your Papa Dog wants to make you homemade food and tell you not to pull the cats' tails. Your crazy Mama wants to look at you while you sleep and whisper in your ear "Thank you for getting here bunny rabbit, we're so happy to know you, we're going to have so much fun together, you and I, so sleep tight, perfect child, and trust that you'll wake up to people who will do their best to always do right by you."

**Went to book club and had fabulous time, cocooned in glow of good will. When I admitted I'd never read a single Harry Potter, one friend said "That is the perfect book to read while you wait to meet your daughter." At the end we said goodbye, until next month, and I made dumb joke about maybe March making a mother out of me. Same friend leaned over and said "Oh please, you're already a mother." Now that's a quality lot of ladies right there!

17 comments:

Julie said...

I'm gonna need the number of that pie-making comedian...ASAP.
I almost updated my FB status today as "JC is hoping NOT to add the words court closure to her vocabulary."
I've checked your secret list, and I think you will sail through shortly. (That's right. I obsess over other people's referrals too, got a problem with that?)
Oh, and please, for the sake of all things Holy, stay away from Target too. Target is a minefield of baby emotions.
Eat. More. Pie.

Meredith said...

Girl, I'm a hot mess today too.

Meagan Brown said...

I did wait (not weight) calculations yesterday for the first time. The obsession may have just begun.

Hope your runner's high kicks into gear again. Regardless, this is all so hard, no way around it.

Julia said...

I feel you...and the court closure...with the added stress of being single and rumors abounding that if you don't get through this year you may not get through at all. I managed NOT to yell at the USCIS idiot, um, customer service person this morning. Oh wait, this wasn't about me was it?? Sorry.
I feel you.

Ellen said...

You pretty much summed up my emotions today. It is comforting to know several of us are feeling this today. So many of your hopes and fears, I share with you. The jinxing, the coaxing into a baby store (I felt like an imposter in babies r us this past saturday- my first trip into one during this journey). Know I am thinking of you during this hard part. I wonder if this is like the wall runners hit.

Peace...I will keep checking back and am hoping to rejoice in your good news soon!

Julia said...

Thanks, you helped.

LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

...yes, I feel you on the "jink". We bought our CocoPrincess a dress over a year ago---size 2T...(what were we thinking)...the Princess is only 3 months old and may only be 5-10 months old when we get her home if all flows without further international glitches.

I keep thinking "I wish I hadn't bought that dress, I think I spit on the "Universe" plan of order...

Naw.....it'll all work for our good, just keep your mind on current things.

los cazadores said...

Hi, I just found you. Just wanted to say Hi and also "The History of Love" is also one of my all time favorite books.

Cindy

Stacie said...

Oh wow - you're making me cry here. Love the friendship you so beautifully portrayed.

Yes, read Harry Potter. And, you are a mom already - you're part of the club, as Lori Rooney would say.

Jana said...

Already a mommy, for sure.


Those days are hard. I think they are just part the emotional work you are doing in preparation. You can say, "Baby,when we were waiting for you, I was a big ol' MESS, I wanted to see your face so very badly!!!!"

courtney rose said...

As always... GREAT POST MAMA DOG!

Sometimes I sit back and wonder if I should print off write-ups such as this one. Words to refer back to when we're all sitting snug as bugs with our sweet babe's in arms. And then we can all laugh out loud at how crappy The Wait was.

"Ha, ha! Remember how crappy THAT was?!"

Your friend sounds incredible. Incredible. Maybe she can come live with us for the next two months??

Julia said...

My best friend -since age 8- just announced to me that she is pregnant with #6 (her children are so adorable that I forgive her her fecundity) on the day that I told her I got my immigration approval. She says "So remind me what's next?" After ad nauseum depth into the ET adoption process, in a moment of clarity she said, "Wow, it must be really hard waiting, at least when you're pregnant you know how long the wait is going to be."

We are all totally going to beat her to the finish line. I feel it in m'bones. Totally.

filoli said...

"I'm paralyzed!"

I can't stop laughing from that one...I really needed that today...

really, really, really...

filoli said...

oh for the love of all things holy...okay so I should be working...I have a veritable shitload of work to do and feel myself sinking lower and lower...I am having one of those days where my hormones have 100% betrayed me and now for some reason I have (at work none the less) gone back and read your blog from the beginning...and find myself sitting here with a pounding tear-welling headache...in sum, I really enjoy your blog, your stated favorite movies and books...A Room With A View is still one of the most influential movies I remember from my youth...although...and I say this lovingly...I do take issue with the Beyonce singles...I appreciate that you have not stated a general reference to Beyonce...and qualified it as singles only...

please blog on...

Ted and Lori said...

The description of your best friend made me tear up. One of my best friends and I first met and bonded in grad school over our shared, excited exclamation of "Timay!" from Southpark. I knew then it was love forever. Sounds like you've got this with your friend.
The questions you described in the beginning of this post are so difficult to take. People just don't realize what an emotional process this is. They don't get how a flippant question can send us into a whirlwind of emotions that we, once again, shove down so as not to ruin the party.
Good thing you've entered the blogging world. I seriously don't know how people adopt without a blog. So glad you're here. I'm cheering you on.

Ted and Lori said...

Reading everyone's comments to you just made me realize, once again, how much I love this community (and how cool and wonderful that I have met and know personally, live in person, five of these commenters--you are among good people, my friend).

Julia said...

"""My best friend -since age 8- just announced to me that she is pregnant with #6 (her children are so adorable that I forgive her her fecundity) on the day that I told her I got my immigration approval. She says "So remind me what's next?" After ad nauseum depth into the ET adoption process, in a moment of clarity she said, "Wow, it must be really hard waiting, at least when you're pregnant you know how long the wait is going to be."

We are all totally going to beat her to the finish line. I feel it in m'bones. Totally."""

That sixth one just got bornded. We totally beat her.

And for some reason I felt the need to come back here and find this post and make the point.