Sunday, November 1, 2009

My Experience

I'm knee deep in a training schedule for the Austin marathon. Running—always with the dog, often with the Pops next to me pushing our Cheerio-gobbler—has proven to be a terrific head-clearer. It's fall now in Texas, which means crisp perfection with just enough of a cozy early morning chill. It's so strange not being hot anymore. Stranger still seeing Ava in hoodies and little pairs of jeans with butterflies on the pockets. I counted up the days since we first met. Five months, six days. I realize that Ava has now been with us longer than she was with her family at home, and then with her patchwork family at the Gladney Care Center. I wonder if somewhere in her subconscious she is able to let out a soft exhale that perhap she will not go on and on and on finding herself in the care of new people.

When I run I listen to the same mix of songs. This is the first song.



Every time I hear it I'm brought to tears. For me it captures the build and urgency of our adoption process—from the mournful beginning to the steady summoning of breath and strength to the heart-pounding moment of referral to the cymbal crashing trip to Ethiopia. There's even a little lullaby whistle at the end, when we laid her down for her first sleep in her new home. Sometimes I imagine in hazy fashion what this same time period might have looked and felt like for my little girl and my heart feels clotheslined. There I am with my family, gasping to myself, and wondering how it is we all found ourselves running towards and then finally alongside each other.

14 comments:

Danni and Tommy said...

Your words are always so beautiful! Thank you for sharing.

Bridget said...

Wow! So powerful. I love that song! What's the next song on your mix? Seriously.

Julie said...

I missed you. I even went to pre-order your book but got discouraged that its release date was so far away.

missy said...

beautiful post! i was about to write "when are you gonna write a book already?" when i read julie's comment and see that you already have! yea! you have such a gift.

Christine said...

I'm so glad you wrote! Your words are beautiful, as always. What is the name of your book?

Mama Dog said...

Hey Bridget—Katy Perry's Waking Up in Vegas. A real mood shift! Then on to Arcade Fire's Antichrist Television Blues. That's where I really hit my stride.

Everybody—you're all so nice. I did write book. Gack! It doesn't come out until the end of May. Gah! It's called Welcome to Utopia.

courtney rose said...

YAY!! Mama Dog! How I've missed you....

Beautiful post, beautiful woman.

A marathon, 'eh? Well done, Mama, well done. I can't wait to see how it all turns out....

Jen said...

Beautifully written

Stacie said...

"My heart feels clotheslined," is such a beautiful way to express your feeling. As always, I love your posts.

filoli said...

"my heart feels clotheslined"

Julia said...

Goes off to google 'welcome to utopia'

Hell to the whatever. Why did we (or perhaps just I) not know the title before now?

You totally owe me a gelato factory but I would settle for an advance copy.

los cazadores said...

Much luck to you in training. Had no idea you were writing a book, very interested!

Cindy

Amy said...

That song sounds like the sunrise--is that what it's about? Either way, perfect for your morning runs (and emotional catharsis). And I love Waking Up in Vegas. It cracks me up that she's always talking about "get some cash out" as if it's some big to do item. Oh to be young! :) I made a mix CD for my little high school reunion and will give you a copy--maybe it will provide some distraction from those many miles.

Damama T said...

Beautifully written. We also have a song that speaks to our hearts: "God Bless the Broken Road" Our adoption story is different from yours, but the road leading to any adoption is not one to be traveled by the weak. If you are interested, here's where you can read about how our journey began...


Daughter's Broken Road Home


Now I'm off to read more about yours.

Peace and Blessings!
Damama's at it again!